This is not a typical post for me, yet I feel the need to write about it.
It's about fear, and my reality of facing some of my deepest fears. The reality is, for me, that what had me rooted in fear, is not a bad thing, rather it was other peoples insecurities that have affected me over the years.
It's rather ironic ( or perhaps not), that when I started blogging in august 2008, I was just starting to emerge from an eight year long self imposed withdrawal from the world. It began with three events that took place within 24 hours in April 2000, ,that I allowed to control my life for a long time. The three major players were humiliation ( I over heard a conversation about me that destroyed my heart), a traumatic event at work that I was unprepared for and wasn't allowed to express my true feelings about , t(his has changed now, thankfully due to the realization that work place trauma needs to be dealt with in a different manner) and a death in the family. It all happened so fast, that I didn't allow myself to fully process what happened and so I withdrew, slowly and steadily. It wasn't noticeable, I slowly disengaged from people, places, and events. I continued to work, parent to the best of my ability, and exist. Day after day, it was the same things, with little moments of clarity where I knew what was happening was not ok, but I felt both powerless and fearful of seeking any type of help.
This was how I existed for years. I bought a house, mismanaged my money and continued to gain weight during this time. I was looking for things on the outside to change, but it wasn't happening. In 2006, I started work at my PT job, which began to shed some light on some matters ( but I was still unable to talk about how things affected me, and looking deep inside was horrifying, Keep it down, don't look, you're not ready). I'm not sure what I read in 2007, but slowly things began to change. I started to look into myself and began to accept the shitty things that happened, and to realize that many of the things I didn't like about myself, were things that I could change. I could slowly start to look at things from a more positive side, and not question so much. Change for this girl is hard, but I found that the more I realized that change was a good thing, the better life was getting. I started reading blogs, and I can remember how much I wanted to begin to write, but I was scared. What if no one read what I had to say? What if people were cruel and mocking? What if I felt like I couldn't write anything? I took the plunge in August 2008, which was terrfiying and exciting at the same time. I did it any how. Since August of 2008, many of you have been reading my ramblings. You've read about my disastrous dates, my money issues, my house issues, life with DD and my family. You've read the funny stories I've posted about the dog ( now x 2), issues at work, and many other things. You've been there when I switched jobs and went back to my old job. You've been my cheerleaders, my support, my faith in humanity. You, dear reader, have given me the strength and courage to change, to over come my fears and realize that life is much better on the other side.
My life is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I still have days where I'm careless with my money ( thankfully those days are few and far between now). You've inspired me to try new things, to be open to new ideas, and more so, to forgive myself when I fail, pick up the pieces and start over. I've failed at many things, but I now realize that they were not failures, but rather the universe telling me, this is not the path you are meant to take, keep going.
I am starting to soar now, like an eagle... I truly believe that while I may have fleeting moments of ostrich like behavior, they are few and far between. I've been blessed to reconnect with old friends and make new friends along this journey. They help guide me, support me, and mostly, accept me for who I truly am, not what they think I should be.
I've learned to speak up and speak out, I've learned that with inner peace comes outer strength. I've learned that I like to be small and strong, that it's ok for me to be this way, and not to run away from myself. ( That was the lesson I learned this winter).
I've learned to love myself again, to reengage with the world, to know that if I get hurt, I will heal.
I've learned that what I seek in a male companion/partner is a relationship that is built on inspiration. A partner who will inspire me to continue to grow and develop, and who I inspire to do the same. ( I haven't meet him yet, at least not that I'm aware of), but I'm ready.
In a nutshell, I still have fear, but I face it head on now, and smash it into smithereens.
So thank you Dear Readers, for everything that you've helped me with along this wonderful journey into my life!
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